Weblog

Thursday, 03 January 2008

  • Vacation and the hustle and bustle of coming back

    Busy days come and go. The month of December went fast. I was at the Ranch digging holes, lifting 15 200 pound oak posts, shooting deer, quail, and armadillos, arrowhead hunting, riding 4 wheelers, and relaxing. It was a great time and much needed. Time to decompress, slow down, and reevaluate what is to come.

    Now that I am back the irons are back in the fire and I am waiting to see which one will need quenching first.

    This weekend I get to spend with the guys in the unit. Having some time to reflect on the time the upcoming weekend is always chaotic. I know the lack of planing is going to turn this weekend into a clustered mess. But so long as I am with my brothers in arms it is going to be good. You start to realize that even when all the circumstances suck your brothers are going to be with you working just the same as you. This brings me comfort in the suck.

    I thought I would take the time to talk about being what we call spun up. When you are prepared to go to war you get your mind ready to disconnect your emotions and part of us that make us warriors. You have to stop thinking of people as people and killing as a job, just like sending email or going to training meetings. From there you need to fore go  your wants, wither it is dating, jobs, ambitions, or personal comfort. You may ask why? That is a good question. I will try my best to explain. When you think about these things you are distracted and a warrior with a distracted mind you will die when you need to turn the heat on in a given situation.

    I have been asked why do I need to personally stay "spun up" and the answer is, in my mind simple. I need to stay at a maintained state so when have to go it is not such a drastic change to warrior from peace time self. It takes a lot to get ready mentally and if you let yourself lapse it is really hard to get back to operational state.

    There you go all of you who have wondered why I am disconnected and sometimes distant.

    M.


Sunday, 02 December 2007

  • Holidays and family

    I have long since given up the ghost on the holidays. I guess this is partly due to a life marred by family fighting and bad memories. This has affected my whole outlook on this "joyful season."

    Growing up we did not have allot and the little we had was not that much. I guess family did what they could, but with each new holiday we got in more fights sometimes over money, gifts, and jealousy. There were times we robbed Peter to pay Paul and there was not enough to go around for each of us. Since reaching adulthood I have heard how bad it was, when you are 5 you don't always remember how truly bad or how tight time were. I truly believe you are a product of the hard times in your life as well as the good. The bad generally shape more of who you are than the good.

    Back in 88 my family went home to Missouri for a Christmas. Needless to say it was like a cluster of trouble. My Aunt Cheryl and Grandma got in to a knock down fist fight. Grandma threw an ashtray right at my Aunt and the fight was on. Up until my Dad lost his leg I had not seen my Aunt and that was a total of 17 years. My Grandma's health is failing this holiday season and I hurt in many was I will not expound upon. During the rest of the vacations festivities I got thumped up side the head by my uncle who is another story for a latter date. We had photos taken and everyone was "happy looking", but only in looks. This has shaped my current demeanor in how I carry myself and why I do not smile as much.

    Fast forward several years. I was living with my Mother who has done more than anyone in the way of making me who I am, both good and bad. We lived in a small house, just she and I, but we had; 2 brothers who never got along with each other, A sister who was at odds with everyone, and then myself. I could not have been more miserable dealing with all of them under the same roof. So our solution was to set times where certain family members could not be around while others were in the house. Everybody knew why the end of the world as they saw it would end. My sister would turn every conversion to how all behaviors need to be on prescription drugs.

    The long and short holidays is this "Too much history has made me callous and uncaring about the holidays. If you see me in a grouch mood during this season, you now have a good Idea why Holidays for me are not a happy or joyful time.

    You can comment. I am fading. See whoever tomorrow.

Wednesday, 12 September 2007

  • Ever changing days

    The older I get the more I see the days are changing. The "I use-ta-coulds" seem to get longer and the I can-dos is getting shorter.  I just got news that I may not be able to stay in my current military job. So the list gets longer and longer. But lose not faith I have a contingency plan, I will unveil my new career later.

    With each new season I long for the last that there was no snow. And I complain about each season; too hot, too cold, too wet, or not enough of each. And now on to the upcoming season....Winter. I hate driving in snow with other drivers. Driving in Spokane sucks, but it especially sucks with the vallies and ruts in the roadway.

    I plan on writing a few times a week, so I will see what happens.

    K